This review is in Danish! Underneath is a rough translation we got from a translation site. Enjoy!

The 3tards
Crystal Balls

”Ok! Det var ikke lige hvad jeg havde regnet med”. Nogenlunde således tænkte jeres anmelder efter at have hørt Crystal Balls med canadiske The 3tards.
Der er på en og samme tid tale om en meget traditionel punkudgivelse og samtidig en yderst speciel plade, med et meget specielt band. The 3tards spiller en selvopfunden punkstil kaldet Asscore, hvilket i The 3tards tilfælde betyder moderne energisk punkmusik, med ekstremt latrinære og sjofle tekster. Det var heri overraskelsen bestod, for nok er det almindeligt at man inden for punkmusikken slår gækken løs, rent sprogligt og tekstmæssigt, men sjældent hører man et album, der er så gennemført lummert og drengerøvsagtigt.
Musikalsk er The 3tards med på noderne på Crystall Balls. Det er moderne, metalinspireret og ikke mindst velproduceret musik. Numrene er fremført med en smittende energi der virkelig får en i godt humør og der er ingen langsomme numre på pladen. Faktisk får den så meget kul, at man en gang imellem bliver nervøs for, at det musikalske læs vælter for bandet, da de fire medlemmer spiller lige til grænsen af deres tekniske formåen. Musikken står på skuldrende af den amerikanske halvfemserpunk. Samtidig har de gode 3tards ikke været bange for at hente inspiration fra mange musikalske kilder. Især guitaristen Mike Tard har en tydelig baggrund i Heavy Metal. Guitaren har en meget mere brutal distortionlyd, der minder mere om tidens moderne metalscene, end man er vant til i punksammenhæng. Mike Tard bygger sine riffs op over klassiske melodiske metalformler, i stedet for punkens mere rytmisk orienterede akkordriffs. Endelig er det befriende at få lov til at høre en guitarist trykke nogle lirede soloer af. Heller ikke noget man er forvænt med i punksammenhæng.
Af The 3tards tre øvrige medlemmer skal også fremhæves forsangeren John Tard (alle fire 3tards bærer efternavnet Tard). Han har en af de mest vanvittige stemmer, der nogensinde er hørt inden for punkmusikken. Hans vokal kan bedst sammenlignes med Offspring forsangeren Dexter Hollands høje lyse stemme, blot endnu højere og lysere. Kombineret med en særlig rablende måde at fremføre melodierne på, der især kommer til sin ret i et hurtigt nummer som ”Girl Drink Drunk”, er John Tard med til at sætte sit unikke præg på The 3tards. Dog må det siges, at rent musikalsk er The 3tards ikke unikke. Deres musik rammer tidsånden, men undgår at plagiere. Samtidig er der mange gode hooklines, der gør at man husker numrene og let fanger omkvædene. Alt i alt ok.
Dette bringer os videre til teksterne, hvor The 3tards virkelig skiller sig ud fra mængden. Der er noget charmerende over voksne mænd, der giver fanden i alle koncepter og dedikeret giver sig hen til det sjofle og latrinære. Og der bliver ikke lagt fingre imellem (snarere noget andet…). Selv når bandet benytter sig af metaforer er hensigten tydelig. Et eksempel fra “Sodomy Road”: “We missed our turn but that’s okay/ Cuz I like the dirt road better anyway/ It’s pretty bumpy, but not as wide/ But very soon We’ll start to glide”. Så ved vi vist nok hvad det handler om. Eller hvad med det mere eksplicitte, her fra “Man Rapist”: “I’m gonna spread you and butter that ass/ I’m a man rapist face down the grass”. Av!
Det er ofte bevist, at humor er sjovest når det handler om sex, lort og bøsser. Tænk blot på Gramsespektrum. Der gælder dog den gyldne regel, at den slags kun er sjovt, hvis det udføres subtilt. Det er selvfølgelig op til den enkelte lytter at vurdere hvor morsomme The 3tards er, men jeg synes nu ikke de er rigtigt skægge. Man kan ikke undgå at trække på smilebåndet, men de hysteriske latterkramper udebliver. Det kan selvfølgelig også tænkes, at Mr. And Mrs. Average i Canada og især i USA vil blive vældigt provokerede af The 3tards tekster, problemet er at blot, at de højst sandsynligt aldrig kommer til at høre det. Her i Danmark er den almene tolerancetærskel efterhånden så høj, at det kun er de færreste, der vil tage anstød af en sjofel punktekst, og de fleste vil være komplet ligeglade.
Man finder dog også ganske rammende tekster på Crystal Balls. ”Girl Drink Drunk” er en fuckfinger til den metroseksuelle mand, der drikker pastelfarvede drinks, med sugerør og blomster, og ”New Punk” er en ordentlig sviner til de nye selvhøjtidelige pop-punkbands. Man ser tydeligt et billede af Green Day hæftet fast på dartskiven i The 3tards øvelokale.
Med Crystal Balls har The 3tards begået en ganske underholdende skive. Musikken fungerer glimrende og hele bandet arbejder hårdt for at holde gryden kogende. Det er nok meget individuelt hvorvidt man bryder sig om teksterne, men man kan i hvert fald ikke klandre The 3tards for at være kedelige. Man vil nok hurtigt miste interessen for en del af numrene når de første tø-hø’er er overstået, men der er også sange på albummet, der nok skal vise sig at holde. Samtidig må man også tage hatten af for et band, der i den grad tør være deres egne og ikke kun giver fingeren til den etablerede musikverden, men også til de ofte lidt for sure og selvfede bands, man hører på punkscenen i dag. Endelig er jeg overbevist om at The 3tards må være et fabelagtigt liveband, som man må håbe, en dag får taget sig sammen til at komme en tur forbi Danmark.

Translation:

”Ok! It wasn't just what I had calculated med”. Fairly in this way your informer reflected to have heard Crystal Balls with Canadian the 3tards. There is under one and the same time discussion about a very traditional punk-publication and at the same time a very special plate, with a very special band. the 3tards play a home-made punk-style named Asscore, which in the 3tards cases modernly means energetic punk music, with extremely lavatory and dirty texts. That was in this the surprise existed, because admittedly it is ordinary that one within the punk music makes merry, purely linguistically and text, but seldom one hears an album, that is so consistent sultry and drengerøvs-like. Musical know what is what the 3tards on Crystall Balls. That is modern, metalled inspire and not least well-produced music. The numbers are presented with an infectious energy that really gets one in a good mood and there is no slow numbers on the plate. Actually it gets as much coal, that one once in a while becomes nervous about, that the musical load overturns for the band, since the four members are playing right to the border of their technical ability. The music stands on shoulderingly of the American ninety-punk. At the same time they have advantage 3tards not been afraid to fetch inspiration from many musical springs. Especially the guitar player Mike Tard has a clear background in Heavy Metal. The guitar has a much more brutal distortionlyd, that reminds more of the time's modern metal scene, than one is usual to in punk-connexions. Mike Tard builds his riff up over classic melodious metal formulas, instead of the punk's more rhythmical oriented chord-riff. Finally it is liberating to get permission to hear a guitar player fire some reeled solos. Nor something one is spoiled with in punk-connexions. Of the 3tards three other members has to also be accentuated the choir leader John Tard par-l all four 3tards carry the surname Tard par-r. He has one of the most insane voices, that are ever heard within the punk music. His vowel can best be compared to Offspring the choir leader Dexter Holland's high light voice, only even higher and lighter. Combined with a particularly raving way to present the tunes on, there in particular come to one's dish in a quick number like ”Girl Drink Drunk”, is John Tard along to put his unique mark on the 3tards. However it must be said, that purely musically the 3tards aren't unique. Your music hits the spirit of the times, but avoids to plagiarize. At the same time there are many advantages are hook-lined, that do that one remembers the numbers and lightly the choruses catches. All in all okay. This carries us on to the texts, where the 3tards really are different from the crowd. There is a little charming about grown men, who give the Devil in all concepts and dedicated gives way towards the dirty and lavatory. And there aren't put fingers among par-l rather something else... par-r. Even when the band makes use of metaphors the intention is clear. An example from “Sodomy Road”: “We screwed up one's eyes our turn but that’'s okay/Cuz just the dirt road setbacks anyway/It’'s pretty bumpy, but groove A's wide /=there butly veryly soon We’ll start two glide”. Thus know we probably what that is about. Or what with the more explicit, here from “Man Rapist”: “I’m gonna spread you and buts this as/I’m an one quack-ist face down the grass”. Oh!! It is often proved, that humour is most funny when that is about sex, shit and boxes. Think only of Gramsespektrum. There however applies the golden rule, that that kind only is funny, if that is carried out subtly. $¶ It is of course up to the individual listener to estimate how how the 3tards are, but I now do not think they are true funny. One cannot avoid to smile, but the hysterical convulsive laughters doesn't happen. It can of course also be thought, that Mr. And Mrs. Average in Canada and especially in USA wants to become tremendously provoked of the 3tards texts, the problem is that only, that they quite probably never will hear it. Here in Denmark the common threshold of tolerance gradually is so high, that it only is the fewest, that will take offence of a dirty punk-text, and most will couldn't care less. One however also invents fairly apt texts Crystal Balls. ”Girl Drink Drunk” is a fuckfinger to the metro-sexual man, who drinks pastel coloured cocktails, with straws and flowers, and ”New Punk” is a decent make a mess to the new self-important pop-punk bands. One clearly watches a picture of Green Day paperboundly firmly on the dart-disk at the 3tards practice room. With Crystal Balls the 3tards have committed a fairly entertaining disk. The music works wonderfully and the whole band hard works for to hold the pot boilingly. $¶ It probably is very individual to what degree one likes the texts, but one can in any case not blame the 3tards in order to be boring. One wants to probably quickly lose the interest for a good deal of the numbers when the first tø-hø’s are got through, but there are also songs on the album, that will show itself to stop. At the same time one must also have great respect for a band, who in that degree dares be their own and not only gives the finger to the established music-world, but also to the often a little too surly and even-fat bands, one hears on the punk-scene today. Finally I am convinced that the 3tards must be a fabulous live band, whom one must hope, one day manage to do together to put a trip past Denmark.